What I used to love that now I hate....

What I used to love that now I hate... is hard to find, today.

I have to admit, I've had my moments.  When I left my husband of 18 years, there were moments when I really, truly hated him.

When I first moved to Texas it was because I was wanted to be close to the man that I truly loved.  I thought that he was larger than life, accepted me for who I was, and would be a great father for our future children.  Our social life was great, everywhere we went he knew people, and they knew him. I felt like I was living the dream.  We were married about 3 years after I moved to Texas and my Texan and I struggled through 18+ years of life and growing - our love seeing us through.

Somewhere along the line though, I lost me.  I tried too hard to become what others wanted me to be - especially what my Texan wanted me to be. I taught school, went back to school, became a 'techy geek', found a job that allowed me to learn and expand, and tried to "BECOME".  My Texan tried to keep up, but eventually I found I could no longer live in the confines of what our life together had become.

In July of 2011 I left, as he could not.  I moved closer to my work, bringing my youngest son with me, as I was home schooling him in addition to my full time job, and needed to stay on top of his school work. I still regret leaving my eldest behind with the Texan, but he had a summer job near the house, and I was afraid the Texan wouldn't let both of his sons go.

My Texan had had his own dreams of us retiring together, holding hands and walking on the beaches of our aging life. When I left, his dreams were shattered.  When he realized that the dream would not be reinstated, the divorce proceedings, which we still managed to agree upon outside of courts, turned ugly.  My children would come to me, asking me about the things their father accused me of - which were partial truths that detailed where I was guilty, and left out his parts entirely.  It was during this time that I really knew HATE.

I HATED the Texan. I HATED that he wouldn't let me go. I HATED that he would tell our children about the private failings of our relationship. I HATED that he was trying to turn my children against me. I HATED because I was afraid, and terrified that I would never be free, that I would lose my children, that I would never have peace, that I would never know me.

It was during this time that I also realized that I was an alcoholic, and became willing to make the changes necessary to BECOME.  By listening, talking with people, and working things through, I was able to truly forgive. Now, when the Texan tries to initiate arguments, and push my buttons, I find it easier to let him pontificate, and not agree, not disagree, but just let it lie.

I have learned to forgive, and not feed the monster that hate brings to my heart. Today, although there are still moments when I know FEAR, I have learned that the HATE doesn't have to follow.  I have learned to identify that the two go hand in hand, but if I leave my fears in God's hands I don't have to HATE.

Most days I am free of fear, and the hate that goes with it. I do my best to let go and let God - and really believe that HE can do what I can't. I do my best to believe and trust, and by doing so, free my heart from hate.